i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.