How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.