WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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