my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And then he peed in my hair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
