Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
