Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.