Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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