Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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