Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
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I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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