I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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