I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
