I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
