its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
