remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
