maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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