Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
