my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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