There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
