WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
