Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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