Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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