I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
