He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize