The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
