My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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