Your mouth is God's brothel.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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