My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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