fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
