sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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