wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
