The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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