He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.