we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
