I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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