Betty ford says i'm here all night
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
