I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
