Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
