i just sent this text using only my big toe
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
