All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
