On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
