you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I supernannyed him into submission
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
