Barsexuality is the new black.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
