I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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