i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize