yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Boobs speak an international language.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
