I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
