he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
