we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
