We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
