one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
