My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
