fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
