What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
