I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
