I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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