I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
