I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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